Since I was in the third grade, I knew I was on the "outside" looking in. I had "fiends" or rather fellow outcasts, the rejected of the clicks. It was always like that. When I got to Los Ceritos intermediate school, (yeah the one that looks like a prison) I found things hadn't changed at all. If anything they got worse. I had my two best friends, Mike Stanley and Marc Bergman. However, when we commenced High School, they went to Thousand Oaks, and I headed to Westlake.
My freshman year at Westlake, I conveniently became a faceless nobody. I did not stand out in a crowd, nor did I have any friends. If there was a poster child for loner, I was it. At this time, I never felt worse. No one to talk to, be with, chat, confide in, it was truly a pathetic state. Near the end of the year (sophomore), I was convinced by a kid that band was the place to be. So I joined band. Having missed the marching season, I worked with the concert band. While I was welcomed, I never felt included, perhaps due to the lack of any kind of self worth, or that established clicks of the band were well established. We had a rather grand time though the rest of the year. Our highlight was competition at San Fransisco. We played, were judged, and toured the sites. I looked forward to the next year.
My parents had a rather quick surprise in store for me. In stead of returning to Westlake for my junior year, the uprooted me to Southern Utah, from the comfortable Southern California. This move, in later years have dramatically influenced my life. More on that later. For my junior year at High School, even though I was not in the established clicks of that school, I was socially engaged. I was top dog, the talk of the town, the one that everyone had to be around. I knew it was because I moved in from California. What I didn't expect was that they wanted my "California Connection" to get "real drugs." This was laughable, especially since I was a "goodie two shoes". I had never taken drugs, alcohol, or tobacco in my life, and yet, I was expected, by virtue of geography, to be connected.
While this change was good in the long run, my brother and I rebelled as best we could. I went from a city population of 120,000 to a county of 20,000 and our city was just over 3,000. Needless today, culture shock was an understatement. While in this school I played in Jazz and Concert Band, and wondered why there was no Marching Band. I was placed in the "B" concert band. This band was perpetually below my talent level, and I hated ever microsecond of it. I only stayed with it because I would not be allowed in Jazz band with out participating in one of the two concert bands. I begged, I swore, but there was just convincing that band director of moving me to the "A" Band. So, I put little to no effort into it. I was constantly reminded of how little I was trying by the band director.
At this time, another extra curricular activity caught my attention - technical theater. It seemed I had a real knack for this theater work. I designed, constructed and lit sets. It was fun. It took my mind of off being suppressed in band. While my social skills and standing in prominence in my peer group were rising, I had another 180 turn coming.
Just as I was set to return as a Senior at Dixie High School, we moved to Thousand Oaks, to house sit for my grand parents. So back to Westlake for my senior year. Because I was a "move in" I wasn't there the year before to run for any of the Band Offices. I back to being welcomed, but not included. This time however, I was obnoxious. After having been on the top of the world - such that it was - I was not willingly going to be relegated to second or fourth class status.
Just to interject here, I am certain that no one else in that band would remember it that way, but these were my inner thoughts and feelings at the time.
I spent that senior year involving myself in every aspect of Marching Band, Jazz Band, and Concert Band that I had the time and energy for. At the time it seemed like a lot, now, not so much. I only give this account, simply because I recently became aware of Facebook, and love it. However, there were photo's of times past, at Westlake, and I remembered not being included in groups that are gathered in those photos. There are stories told, stories shared with each photo.
Until I became a member of Facebook, I had for all purposes, disappeared from the Alumni of Westlake High School. Basically I didn't care, and quite frankly had forgotten or suppressed most of those feelings. With the perspective of time, especially for those in those years now, cherish the great and good moments of your young life. While the trying moments can be painful, they give lessons one can't learn any other way. And in time, you will forget or suppress those moments too. I hate to use the cliche, but someday you will understand.
The Knight Hawk
P.S. for those of you whom know my identity, I mean no offense. I just had to unburden myself, and this seemed the best forum for it.
Tuesday, October 07, 2008
Saturday, October 04, 2008
Hope
With all the incredible actions in all the world, there is still hope. I realize that here in this forum, I have never talked about religion, but its importance seem more needed now than ever. America experienced something incredible following the attaches of September 11, 2001. An increase of worship in the United States followed those attacks. More people turned to God. It was incredible to witness. What made it more priceless, was the media beside itself. After years of separating God from his people, one event caused people, more than ever to return to his side.
Times are not so different. We have a crisis of another order. This crisis is building on the foundation of fear and turmoil. Russia is making a play for the Soviet Union of old. Iran is creating the ability to commit ultimate evil. Our own Congress, Senate and previous administrations have actively engaged in the incredible melt down of the economy. Yet, with all the total chaos, with the larges grab of power from the people to the Federal Government, there is till hope.
I found some thing interesting. I found myself on the edge of the abyss of despair. When Congress voted for $700 Billion to be spent, and paid for by our posterity, I felt a crushing blow. It was a very tough day. It's been two days since I have seen or heard a news report. A phenomena that is rather rare for me, and I am a news junkie. Also, I went to worship this weekend. The result of the combination of the two, is a renewed hope. I am reminded of the movies of "The Lord of the Rings". A couple of the themes were, the defeat of evil at all cost, and there is always hope, no matter the odds.
Hope is an elusive element of humanity. It seems that in this world today, hopelessness is preached by all "media". For those whom believe in God, and practice a subscription of righteousness, a perpetual bombardment of relentless attacks on the idea of God and those whom worship Him. Even more insidious, is the celebration of immorality, perversion, sexuality, and hedonism. Media today, with rare but welcome exception is based on the decay of our American society. As a father of several children, I witness the parade of depravity that envelopes my children, even in the most subtle of ways. Also, as their father, I must restrict access to such influential material. While some call it censorship, other call is the responsible raising of children. (I prefer the latter)
In recent years, attacks on organizations that uphold traditions of virtue, morality and personal freedoms have resulted in a decay on society. Such organizations as the Boy Scouts of America are created to help boys become men. The BSA is also under attack because of its affirmation in virtue and morality. Religions are also under attack, as these institutions defend the family as the last best bastion of raising children to adulthood, with the teaching of said religion. Attacks on marriage as defined throughout history as one man and one woman is though archaic and abstract, though centuries of humanity has proven this timeless institution for generations.
Why do I bring this all up, within the idea of hope? Because hope is eternal. Hope comes from the heart. It can not be controlled by anyone other than yourself. Hope is our legacy for all mankind as Americans. The people of the world do not flood to America because there is no hope. Hope drives millions to aspire to become Americans. It seems that some within America has forgotten hope, or ignored hope, or lost hope. Yet for others, hope is all that remains. For me, hope has been reintroduced to myself. I has forgotten hope, as economic good times rolled by. Now, I struggle. I struggle to hope. Hope, however, has not forgotten me. I hope for the future with a renewed vigor. I was going to avoid voting this November, as it seemed hopeless. Instead, I will vote, even while things seem futile.
One other thing I have observed this week. It would seem that the complete and total declaration of the Democrat (Communist) party's victory, prior to the November election was designed to demoralize those whom believe in someone other than Barrack Obama. I view such action as a desperate act to bring despair to the electorate. For me, it almost worked. God has an interesting way of changing the perception of reality. I forget at times that there is a "big picture" that I can't see, because of my personal perspective. That's where hope steps in.
So here's to hope...
The Knight Hawk
Times are not so different. We have a crisis of another order. This crisis is building on the foundation of fear and turmoil. Russia is making a play for the Soviet Union of old. Iran is creating the ability to commit ultimate evil. Our own Congress, Senate and previous administrations have actively engaged in the incredible melt down of the economy. Yet, with all the total chaos, with the larges grab of power from the people to the Federal Government, there is till hope.
I found some thing interesting. I found myself on the edge of the abyss of despair. When Congress voted for $700 Billion to be spent, and paid for by our posterity, I felt a crushing blow. It was a very tough day. It's been two days since I have seen or heard a news report. A phenomena that is rather rare for me, and I am a news junkie. Also, I went to worship this weekend. The result of the combination of the two, is a renewed hope. I am reminded of the movies of "The Lord of the Rings". A couple of the themes were, the defeat of evil at all cost, and there is always hope, no matter the odds.
Hope is an elusive element of humanity. It seems that in this world today, hopelessness is preached by all "media". For those whom believe in God, and practice a subscription of righteousness, a perpetual bombardment of relentless attacks on the idea of God and those whom worship Him. Even more insidious, is the celebration of immorality, perversion, sexuality, and hedonism. Media today, with rare but welcome exception is based on the decay of our American society. As a father of several children, I witness the parade of depravity that envelopes my children, even in the most subtle of ways. Also, as their father, I must restrict access to such influential material. While some call it censorship, other call is the responsible raising of children. (I prefer the latter)
In recent years, attacks on organizations that uphold traditions of virtue, morality and personal freedoms have resulted in a decay on society. Such organizations as the Boy Scouts of America are created to help boys become men. The BSA is also under attack because of its affirmation in virtue and morality. Religions are also under attack, as these institutions defend the family as the last best bastion of raising children to adulthood, with the teaching of said religion. Attacks on marriage as defined throughout history as one man and one woman is though archaic and abstract, though centuries of humanity has proven this timeless institution for generations.
Why do I bring this all up, within the idea of hope? Because hope is eternal. Hope comes from the heart. It can not be controlled by anyone other than yourself. Hope is our legacy for all mankind as Americans. The people of the world do not flood to America because there is no hope. Hope drives millions to aspire to become Americans. It seems that some within America has forgotten hope, or ignored hope, or lost hope. Yet for others, hope is all that remains. For me, hope has been reintroduced to myself. I has forgotten hope, as economic good times rolled by. Now, I struggle. I struggle to hope. Hope, however, has not forgotten me. I hope for the future with a renewed vigor. I was going to avoid voting this November, as it seemed hopeless. Instead, I will vote, even while things seem futile.
One other thing I have observed this week. It would seem that the complete and total declaration of the Democrat (Communist) party's victory, prior to the November election was designed to demoralize those whom believe in someone other than Barrack Obama. I view such action as a desperate act to bring despair to the electorate. For me, it almost worked. God has an interesting way of changing the perception of reality. I forget at times that there is a "big picture" that I can't see, because of my personal perspective. That's where hope steps in.
So here's to hope...
The Knight Hawk
Thursday, October 02, 2008
Rant...
Is anyone really watching Survivor? I was sick of it the first season with Gay Dick Hatch and his amazing IRS debacle. But then, I have been oft accused of not only being out of the box, but somewhere in my own universe. Not a bad thing really... but I digress. There was this last summer replacement season a cute little show on ABC called Wipeout. While I have my personal connection to Wipeout,(my dad design all the challenges and ran them for the show) I found it highly entertaining. It was great to see genuine competition. It was like golf for dummies. Need to best someone else's score, and beat mentally beat yourself. Ok, so it's nothing like golf. Does it matter? Not really. What matters is that there is no back stabbing, no conspiracy, dirty tricks, etc., etc., etc...
Other TV problems, well, the few things I watch regularly, Ghost Hunter (I really love this show), How it's Made, Modern Marvels and my guilty pleasure of Two and a Half Men. It's down to this because TVLand removed MASH from its night time line up. It was a perfect way to unwind. It was like curling up with a blanket, cup of tea and good novel that you have read a hundred times, leaving a warm fuzzy with familiarity. Ce la vie, there will be no other like MASH.
Radio - I live in a small town. I think this market would be somewhere in the lower end of the top three billion. The production level of local advertising is enough to wish to suck on a 9mm. It's unlistenable. So what do I do? I listen online. Until recently I took to listening to KFI from LA. Something is wrong with the server now, and I can't get a feed. So its to KLIF from Dallas, WABC New York, WJFK Washington DC, and KABC LA. At least of these major market radio stations, I can listen to the commercials and their production quality, without having the sudden urge to vomit. So in the interest of those whom call me from Arbitron, I DO NOT LISTEN TO LOCAL RADIO - EVER!!!! I listen to CD's in the car, and online at the house and office. In fact, where I live, local radio is damn near impossible considering the local terrain.
Finally, I am sick and tired of politics. I once lived breathed ate and drank politics. I am so tired of the Presidential race. If never see an Obamma or McCain sign again, such joy in my heart would cause all 365 lbs of me to float on air for a month. So for those that must know as of right now whom I will be voting for... EVERYONE THAT IS NOT IN WASHINGTON DC... So that means Mr. Bob Barr - Libertarian has my presidential vote, and Mickey Mouse has the my vote for congress, and the State Legislature. At least a fictional character can't vote in a $700 billion pork laden slavery bond in my name, or raise my taxes claiming I need to be more patriotic. I would call politicians a piece of shit, but at least shit can be used to grow useful things rather than debt, taxes and budgets.
The Knight Hawk
Other TV problems, well, the few things I watch regularly, Ghost Hunter (I really love this show), How it's Made, Modern Marvels and my guilty pleasure of Two and a Half Men. It's down to this because TVLand removed MASH from its night time line up. It was a perfect way to unwind. It was like curling up with a blanket, cup of tea and good novel that you have read a hundred times, leaving a warm fuzzy with familiarity. Ce la vie, there will be no other like MASH.
Radio - I live in a small town. I think this market would be somewhere in the lower end of the top three billion. The production level of local advertising is enough to wish to suck on a 9mm. It's unlistenable. So what do I do? I listen online. Until recently I took to listening to KFI from LA. Something is wrong with the server now, and I can't get a feed. So its to KLIF from Dallas, WABC New York, WJFK Washington DC, and KABC LA. At least of these major market radio stations, I can listen to the commercials and their production quality, without having the sudden urge to vomit. So in the interest of those whom call me from Arbitron, I DO NOT LISTEN TO LOCAL RADIO - EVER!!!! I listen to CD's in the car, and online at the house and office. In fact, where I live, local radio is damn near impossible considering the local terrain.
Finally, I am sick and tired of politics. I once lived breathed ate and drank politics. I am so tired of the Presidential race. If never see an Obamma or McCain sign again, such joy in my heart would cause all 365 lbs of me to float on air for a month. So for those that must know as of right now whom I will be voting for... EVERYONE THAT IS NOT IN WASHINGTON DC... So that means Mr. Bob Barr - Libertarian has my presidential vote, and Mickey Mouse has the my vote for congress, and the State Legislature. At least a fictional character can't vote in a $700 billion pork laden slavery bond in my name, or raise my taxes claiming I need to be more patriotic. I would call politicians a piece of shit, but at least shit can be used to grow useful things rather than debt, taxes and budgets.
The Knight Hawk
Lament - current events...
A few jots and titles. First, Sarah Vs. Joe. What's to say. If Senator Biden appears condescending at all, he looses. If Sarah looks coherent at all, she wins.
Next, the bailout. Let's see, wood studies, wooden arrows, revitalize America Samoa economy, ear mark, ear mark, ear mark... $700 billion for this? HELL NO!!! Our spineless Senators just took over the economy. We might as well be in the Soviet Union of the 70's. Why don't you declare marshal law, and federalize everything. My to Senators, Hatch and Bennett, are colossal wastes of perfectly good hydro-carbon atoms. Colostomy bags have more uses than these two people that represent themselves rather than the State of Utah. Even worse both our presidential candidates voted for this absolute abomination. Our current lame duck President is pushing for the larges grab of the economy ever. If one would read the Constitution of the United States of America, it reads to "promote the general welfare" not provide it. Apparently those sworn to protect and defend the Constitution, just ran over that same Constitution. Will this be the death of the United States of America? At least the death of individual freedom.
For my children, grandchildren and great grandchildren, I regret that I can not do more for you to prevent this loss of freedom. Be it known, I did not willingly give away that freedom, nor did I willingly burden you with this destruction of American freedom. If there is not a revolution in my lifetime, may God give you the strength to overcome our coming oppressive government.
Soberly,
The Knight Hawk
Next, the bailout. Let's see, wood studies, wooden arrows, revitalize America Samoa economy, ear mark, ear mark, ear mark... $700 billion for this? HELL NO!!! Our spineless Senators just took over the economy. We might as well be in the Soviet Union of the 70's. Why don't you declare marshal law, and federalize everything. My to Senators, Hatch and Bennett, are colossal wastes of perfectly good hydro-carbon atoms. Colostomy bags have more uses than these two people that represent themselves rather than the State of Utah. Even worse both our presidential candidates voted for this absolute abomination. Our current lame duck President is pushing for the larges grab of the economy ever. If one would read the Constitution of the United States of America, it reads to "promote the general welfare" not provide it. Apparently those sworn to protect and defend the Constitution, just ran over that same Constitution. Will this be the death of the United States of America? At least the death of individual freedom.
For my children, grandchildren and great grandchildren, I regret that I can not do more for you to prevent this loss of freedom. Be it known, I did not willingly give away that freedom, nor did I willingly burden you with this destruction of American freedom. If there is not a revolution in my lifetime, may God give you the strength to overcome our coming oppressive government.
Soberly,
The Knight Hawk
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