While I sit and worry of potential disasters that are to hit our country, there are side trips off that path which I have chosen for my life. God has this interesting knack of correcting my course, when I so choose to leave his course. These deviations from his course are not without consequence. In fact most often, in my experience, the consequences of being off of his path are forever life altering, and life long lasting.
I chose some years ago to marry a young woman, whom I love passionately, and whom I thought reciprocated that love back. I was tragically wrong on nearly all counts. This disaster, while minor in the long term, but devastating at the time, has had lasting impact on me. At the time of our divorce, she swore in an affidavit that we had no children, nor were expecting children between us. Five months later, a dear friend called to announce the birth of my daughter. This has haunted me since, though not in the way one might think.
All my life has been dedicated to first my God, then my Wife, and then my Kids. Everything else pales in comparison. Indeed, I have been fired for choosing family over work. I made that choice, and have never regretted it at all. For me, family is the greatest institution endorsed and sanctioned by God. That literally means that the Family is a sacred unit. I as the man, am responsible for that unit. Through this perspective I view all the world. Therefore it has always pained me that I have never seen my daughter, other than a single polorid about three months after her birth. Because of the nature of the breakup between my Z-wife and myself, I was cause to believe that I was not the father and sued for a paternity test. The result was 97.8% positive. It actually broke my heart, and my anger and bitterness to my X-wife and women in general deepened.
Over the years, I have researched my X-wife, daughter, and her daughter, that I was to someday adopt. I found my X-wife, and today I found her oldest daughter online. I have very mixed feelings. Do I start a dialog that hasn't occurred in over 15 years? Do I leave sleeping dogs lie? My nature is to stir up that hornets nest, and watch the ensuing chaos. I suppose that the best thing to do is ponder and pray, and perhaps someday, God willing, I will have a relationship with my daughter that is unclouded by the years of my X's indoctrination of the person she perceived me to be.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
There's only been two whom I loved enough to dedicate all that I am to them. The first one so kindly left me on our first year wedding anniversary, leaning a looming distrust of all women in general, and a hollow bitterness inside. It took years to forgive her, and more years to become fully trustful of women.
The second, is the gal to whom nearly 14 years ago consented to be my bride for all eternity. There isn't much I can say that would be adequate to the task of expressing my love, devotion and gratitude of my best friend, and if the English language indeed have the proper words for the occasion, my skill with words would only mock the tender and deep feelings I have for my wife.
The other women and young ladies with whom I was infatuated have slowly but surely reunited with me through one website or another. I shall not name them. I am certain that each and every one of them had absolutely no idea that I ached inside just to be in the same room, though like so many obese boys with a personality to compensate for my short comings, merely blended into the blurred background. For years I was in that position, dreaming of someday having the courage to have a relationship with any one of those gals, but never summoning the courage to do so. As a result, I indeed had exactly three dates in high school.
Even better, it wasn't until the second half of my Freshman year of college that I even had a girlfriend. I tried to be with one particular gal who live on campus, but was thwarted by several other guys and the infamous "I just want to be friends." If there was ever a cause of impotence in men, it's that line right there. Someone might as well pull our a nude picture of Hellen Thomas. It's an arousal Kryptonite. Well, I married that girl friend, and she became the x-wife. (I didn't know she was crazy, until I met someone normal, like my wife.)
I reminisce of these times, as I have said in a previous post, because of Facebook. For those of you women whom I fantasized of whom my deepest desire was to be with you, I am sorry I did not have the courage to be the man I should have been, nor the physique that would attract you to me. The fact of the matter is I have always been fat, obese, huge and otherwise grotesque. It is something I have finally come to terms. It's a part of me, and the source of my sardonic / sarcastic sense of humor. I have oft though if this brain was in that body of mine then... and of all the things I could have been... but that game is almost useless, unless it motivates you to be a better you tomorrow.
Alas, being the odd man out, was a perpetual position, a situation seemingly sentenced to singleness and solitude. (say that three times fast). Back to the present and or future, I am struggling with hope. My career is halted, and if things don't improve VERY soon, it will retreat. Though I would love to chat over my current personal project, prudence prevents this revelation. When the appropriate time comes, (and I would love that to be very soon) I will make a public announcement. It will indeed hit Utah by storm, and very well could make an impact in so many lives as to remain uncounted. Or, it will be a total, colossal, great and complete failure. (keep thinking those cheerful thoughts). As before, time draws short, and it is time for bed. (as I raise my cup) so here is to a better tomorrow, may the government do absolutely nothing!!!
KH
The second, is the gal to whom nearly 14 years ago consented to be my bride for all eternity. There isn't much I can say that would be adequate to the task of expressing my love, devotion and gratitude of my best friend, and if the English language indeed have the proper words for the occasion, my skill with words would only mock the tender and deep feelings I have for my wife.
The other women and young ladies with whom I was infatuated have slowly but surely reunited with me through one website or another. I shall not name them. I am certain that each and every one of them had absolutely no idea that I ached inside just to be in the same room, though like so many obese boys with a personality to compensate for my short comings, merely blended into the blurred background. For years I was in that position, dreaming of someday having the courage to have a relationship with any one of those gals, but never summoning the courage to do so. As a result, I indeed had exactly three dates in high school.
Even better, it wasn't until the second half of my Freshman year of college that I even had a girlfriend. I tried to be with one particular gal who live on campus, but was thwarted by several other guys and the infamous "I just want to be friends." If there was ever a cause of impotence in men, it's that line right there. Someone might as well pull our a nude picture of Hellen Thomas. It's an arousal Kryptonite. Well, I married that girl friend, and she became the x-wife. (I didn't know she was crazy, until I met someone normal, like my wife.)
I reminisce of these times, as I have said in a previous post, because of Facebook. For those of you women whom I fantasized of whom my deepest desire was to be with you, I am sorry I did not have the courage to be the man I should have been, nor the physique that would attract you to me. The fact of the matter is I have always been fat, obese, huge and otherwise grotesque. It is something I have finally come to terms. It's a part of me, and the source of my sardonic / sarcastic sense of humor. I have oft though if this brain was in that body of mine then... and of all the things I could have been... but that game is almost useless, unless it motivates you to be a better you tomorrow.
Alas, being the odd man out, was a perpetual position, a situation seemingly sentenced to singleness and solitude. (say that three times fast). Back to the present and or future, I am struggling with hope. My career is halted, and if things don't improve VERY soon, it will retreat. Though I would love to chat over my current personal project, prudence prevents this revelation. When the appropriate time comes, (and I would love that to be very soon) I will make a public announcement. It will indeed hit Utah by storm, and very well could make an impact in so many lives as to remain uncounted. Or, it will be a total, colossal, great and complete failure. (keep thinking those cheerful thoughts). As before, time draws short, and it is time for bed. (as I raise my cup) so here is to a better tomorrow, may the government do absolutely nothing!!!
KH
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
It's been a while...
For the relatively few of you that actually take the time to read my little unimportant blog, I have yet something else. In essence, my mind is a scatter. I have focused like a laser on a personal project for the last year and a half. Today was the first step in achieving that particular goal. Because of all the buildup emotion and hard work came to a relative head today, the emotional release and required satisfaction was somewhat lacking. Thus I find myself lacking in that focus. Perhaps I need to step back a little and take a breather. What I really need to do, is make a to do list and then prioritize it. In all actuality, there is so much to do, that is seems overwhelming. However, just like eating the cliched elephant, I just have to take it one bite at a time. It's just a little hard with my A.D.D. personality.
Speaking of A.D.D. - Tomorrow is tax day. It is also the collective Tea Party day. I don't know that I will be attending one. I thought I might, however, it comes at a bad time of day, and I live rather a far distance from it. Also, while others push forward in the effort to make our employees (i.e. politicians) listen to us, this is just the line drawn in the sand. All I personally want, is a true return to the Constitution of the United States of America, not some interpretive narrative limp wristed or bastardization of it. To those thieves on Capitol Hill and at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave., would you kindly leave us the hell alone. Stop spending, stop taxing, stop, STOP, STOP!!!! My kids, grandchildren and great grandchildren can never repay the crushing debt that we are accumulating now. I have called my Senators and Representative. I have emailed them. The ONLY response is a letter from my Rep. that basically states, "F-U, you don't know enough to question me". I dare say that my I.Q. is at least twice his, but that's not saying much if my estimated I.Q. of him is about 40.
Finally, Facebook. I don't know if I like it all that much anymore. I recently had someone look me up. This presented a problem. This particular gal broke my heart, but then, she never really knew how I felt about her. I was such a coward then, and never knew what courage it took to pursue the happiness of female companionship (and I am not talking sex). At the end of my senior year of high school, I finally gathered the courage to ask her to Grad Night at Disneyland. She accepted. What I didn't expect, was that halfway though the evening, I was abandoned when she found her boyfriend there. Crushed, I cruised Disneyland the rest of that evening alone or the "odd man out". I was miserable. What made it worse, is that including this trip to Grad Night, I had a total of three dates in High School. First was Home Coming at a new school as a Junior. Second was the one gal I waned to be with most, taking her to Phantom of the Opera, (Senior Year) only to never hear from her again. My dating average was a perfect 0 for 3. Going into college I had absolutely no confidence in having any kind of relationship with the opposite sex whatsoever. What I didn't realize at the time, was that was preparatory for the really big ditch of my x-wife when she left me on our first year wedding anniversary. The shock of abandonment wasn't nearly as devastating as it could have been because of being left alone and very lonely in Disneyland. Ironically, I haven't though about any of this for years, until yesterday, when she got a hold of me on Facebook. I also reflected that I was a rather great nobody in High School. I had, but few friends. This translated to college as well. However the few friends that I have, seem to make it a life time of friendship. It still strikes me as rather odd, that after years of believing that I had almost no impact on anyone's life, that many would let me know that over time, I had in some measure influenced for good or evil others. I think that these two events are the root of my total paranoia of being abandoned by my (current) wife. I know it's totally silly. I mean we have been married nearly 14 years. If she were leave me for any one of my plethora of faults, it would have happened by now.
Well I ranted enough for now, and it's bed time. The real shame of it all is I know I am the ONLY ONE that will read this in a few weeks time and think, "What exactly in thee hell were you thinking?" I am realy good at kicking myself around for a good long time.
KH
Speaking of A.D.D. - Tomorrow is tax day. It is also the collective Tea Party day. I don't know that I will be attending one. I thought I might, however, it comes at a bad time of day, and I live rather a far distance from it. Also, while others push forward in the effort to make our employees (i.e. politicians) listen to us, this is just the line drawn in the sand. All I personally want, is a true return to the Constitution of the United States of America, not some interpretive narrative limp wristed or bastardization of it. To those thieves on Capitol Hill and at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave., would you kindly leave us the hell alone. Stop spending, stop taxing, stop, STOP, STOP!!!! My kids, grandchildren and great grandchildren can never repay the crushing debt that we are accumulating now. I have called my Senators and Representative. I have emailed them. The ONLY response is a letter from my Rep. that basically states, "F-U, you don't know enough to question me". I dare say that my I.Q. is at least twice his, but that's not saying much if my estimated I.Q. of him is about 40.
Finally, Facebook. I don't know if I like it all that much anymore. I recently had someone look me up. This presented a problem. This particular gal broke my heart, but then, she never really knew how I felt about her. I was such a coward then, and never knew what courage it took to pursue the happiness of female companionship (and I am not talking sex). At the end of my senior year of high school, I finally gathered the courage to ask her to Grad Night at Disneyland. She accepted. What I didn't expect, was that halfway though the evening, I was abandoned when she found her boyfriend there. Crushed, I cruised Disneyland the rest of that evening alone or the "odd man out". I was miserable. What made it worse, is that including this trip to Grad Night, I had a total of three dates in High School. First was Home Coming at a new school as a Junior. Second was the one gal I waned to be with most, taking her to Phantom of the Opera, (Senior Year) only to never hear from her again. My dating average was a perfect 0 for 3. Going into college I had absolutely no confidence in having any kind of relationship with the opposite sex whatsoever. What I didn't realize at the time, was that was preparatory for the really big ditch of my x-wife when she left me on our first year wedding anniversary. The shock of abandonment wasn't nearly as devastating as it could have been because of being left alone and very lonely in Disneyland. Ironically, I haven't though about any of this for years, until yesterday, when she got a hold of me on Facebook. I also reflected that I was a rather great nobody in High School. I had, but few friends. This translated to college as well. However the few friends that I have, seem to make it a life time of friendship. It still strikes me as rather odd, that after years of believing that I had almost no impact on anyone's life, that many would let me know that over time, I had in some measure influenced for good or evil others. I think that these two events are the root of my total paranoia of being abandoned by my (current) wife. I know it's totally silly. I mean we have been married nearly 14 years. If she were leave me for any one of my plethora of faults, it would have happened by now.
Well I ranted enough for now, and it's bed time. The real shame of it all is I know I am the ONLY ONE that will read this in a few weeks time and think, "What exactly in thee hell were you thinking?" I am realy good at kicking myself around for a good long time.
KH
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