There's only been two whom I loved enough to dedicate all that I am to them. The first one so kindly left me on our first year wedding anniversary, leaning a looming distrust of all women in general, and a hollow bitterness inside. It took years to forgive her, and more years to become fully trustful of women.

The second, is the gal to whom nearly 14 years ago consented to be my bride for all eternity. There isn't much I can say that would be adequate to the task of expressing my love, devotion and gratitude of my best friend, and if the English language indeed have the proper words for the occasion, my skill with words would only mock the tender and deep feelings I have for my wife.

The other women and young ladies with whom I was infatuated have slowly but surely reunited with me through one website or another. I shall not name them. I am certain that each and every one of them had absolutely no idea that I ached inside just to be in the same room, though like so many obese boys with a personality to compensate for my short comings, merely blended into the blurred background. For years I was in that position, dreaming of someday having the courage to have a relationship with any one of those gals, but never summoning the courage to do so. As a result, I indeed had exactly three dates in high school.

Even better, it wasn't until the second half of my Freshman year of college that I even had a girlfriend. I tried to be with one particular gal who live on campus, but was thwarted by several other guys and the infamous "I just want to be friends." If there was ever a cause of impotence in men, it's that line right there. Someone might as well pull our a nude picture of Hellen Thomas. It's an arousal Kryptonite. Well, I married that girl friend, and she became the x-wife. (I didn't know she was crazy, until I met someone normal, like my wife.)

I reminisce of these times, as I have said in a previous post, because of Facebook. For those of you women whom I fantasized of whom my deepest desire was to be with you, I am sorry I did not have the courage to be the man I should have been, nor the physique that would attract you to me. The fact of the matter is I have always been fat, obese, huge and otherwise grotesque. It is something I have finally come to terms. It's a part of me, and the source of my sardonic / sarcastic sense of humor. I have oft though if this brain was in that body of mine then... and of all the things I could have been... but that game is almost useless, unless it motivates you to be a better you tomorrow.

Alas, being the odd man out, was a perpetual position, a situation seemingly sentenced to singleness and solitude. (say that three times fast). Back to the present and or future, I am struggling with hope. My career is halted, and if things don't improve VERY soon, it will retreat. Though I would love to chat over my current personal project, prudence prevents this revelation. When the appropriate time comes, (and I would love that to be very soon) I will make a public announcement. It will indeed hit Utah by storm, and very well could make an impact in so many lives as to remain uncounted. Or, it will be a total, colossal, great and complete failure. (keep thinking those cheerful thoughts). As before, time draws short, and it is time for bed. (as I raise my cup) so here is to a better tomorrow, may the government do absolutely nothing!!!

KH